You Shouldn’t Have

I’m the girl they probably should’ve warned you about but didn’t.

I warned you but people tend to ignore warnings. Humans are funny like that. Doing what you know you probably shouldn’t. Going where you probably shouldn’t.

Curious to see…shame, you shouldn’t have.

You shouldn’t have.

I’m the girl so completely broken that pain is my lover. Nowhere on my body pain hasn’t touched, long tendrils wandering where they shouldn’t have, where no one else has been. The girl so broken that sometimes I’m not sure I feel anything at all.

I told a friend once that I wanted to get my heart broken. She looked at me like I was crazy but it’s something I want. Part of me is morbidly curious, I want to know if my heart can be broken any further than it already has been, another part of me is only comfortable with pain.

All together, I’m always trying to feel something…anything more, anything different to what I’m constantly feeling. A break from the sadness, the pain, the nothingness. It’s dangerous.

Dangerous.

My mother told me I was once. She was right of course. She was talking about it in the wrong context but she was right nonetheless. Mothers always know.

It’s dangerous. My need to feel. The way I chase these feelings. The way I teeter at the edge of the rabbit hole, one gust of wind away from falling in. I often wonder, how far I would fall if I just jumped in. How dark it’d be. If I’d ever stop falling.

I’ve learned that the only things I can rely on are bottles, pills, cigarettes and boys with cars that want things they think I offer.

You throw your words at me without a second thought and that’s okay.

Girls like me don’t have feelings anyway.

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